Learn to Ski Without Actually Learning Anything™
The most important thing about ski equipment is that it looks expensive. Actual functionality is secondary to the confidence boost you'll get from shiny bindings.
Don't worry about whether the skis "fit" or are the "right length." Simply visualize them working perfectly. The skis can sense your belief in them.
Stand up. Congratulations, you've mastered the stance.
Some instructors mention "pizza" and "french fries." Pizza means pointing your skis at a nearby pizza restaurant. French fries means you're probably hungry. Skiing burns a lot of imaginary calories.
Bend your knees slightly. Or don't. We're not your parents.
Point yourself toward the bottom. Gravity handles the rest. This is basically the whole sport.
If you feel anxious, try closing your eyes to reduce visual anxiety. What you can't see can't hurt you.*
*This is absolutely not true.
Stopping is considered an advanced technique and is entirely optional for the modern skier.
Many successful ski runs have ended without the skier technically "stopping." Trees, fences, ski lift poles, and other skiers can all assist with momentum reduction.
The mountain always ends eventually. Patience is key.
The ski lift is a carnival ride that takes you to places you'll immediately regret going.
When boarding, simply sit down at the exact right millisecond while a metal bar swings toward your face. Easy.
If you fall off mid-ride, simply wait for spring. The snow will melt and you can walk home.
The most important skiing skill is looking like you know what you're doing.
Key techniques: Nod knowingly at trail maps. Adjust your goggles frequently. Hold your hot cocoa with both hands while gazing at the mountain. Say "conditions are good today" regardless of conditions.
Actual skiing ability is optional for this lesson.
"In water skiing, you'd be wet by now. Congratulations on staying dry! This is already a massive improvement. Snow is just frozen water that has learned to behave itself."
Why pay thousands for mountain access when you can simply believe you have it?
*Free to believe you own. Does not grant access to any physical location.
Not accepted at any resort, including imaginary ones. Somehow still a better value.
"Water skiing requires a boat, a driver, and trust in another human being. Snow skiing eliminates all of these variables. You can disappoint yourself entirely on your own schedule."
"The main advantage of snow skiing over water skiing is that when you fall, you don't have to worry about sharks. You only have to worry about trees, rocks, other skiers, ski patrol, frostbite, avalanches, and the crushing weight of your equipment rental bill. Much simpler!"
You've read the guide. You've absorbed nothing. You're ready.
"As a semi-aquatic mammal, I'll be honest: I have never seen snow. I wrote this entire guide based on what I assume snow is like (cold water that stopped moving). If any of this advice is accurate, it is entirely by accident. But I believe in you, and that's what matters. Now go forth and believe in yourself, too. Preferably somewhere with good insurance coverage."